Photo: US Pro Nats – SnowyMountain Photography
I won’t be doing much road racing in 2020. Maybe some local races, crits with hills in them. Maybe a road race, a time trial or two. But no big stage races – no Redlands, Gila, US Pro Nats, or Cascade…
I will miss it. I am sure. But I need a break. The pressure that I’ve been putting on myself for the last few years has caused me to crumble. A skinny, one-dimensional cyclist with difficulties eating and socializing. Worrying too much about my weight, power numbers, peaking, et cetera.
I never went out on weekends because I *thought I needed to go to bed early. Sleep affects my performance, surely. So do alcohol and eating salads, hitting numbers and crushing myself during pre-race training camps, because it matters. Or so I thought.
Since I’ve made the decision to step away from road racing (permanently or temporarily? Only time will tell), it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It was never the weight of my teammates, managers, sponsors, or coaches; it was always the weight of the expectations I placed on myself. The voice in the back of my head always reminding me to be a better cyclist. Eat a little less. Ride a little longer. Do an extra interval. Get an extra 30 minutes of sleep.
I was fast – maybe I still am – but I wonder if it was all worth it. I feel like I have missed out on a lot. “Normal” experiences for 20-somethings. Going out to a bar – not even once. Staying up past midnight – New Year’s at home doesn’t count. Doing anything social besides going to a restaurant and trying not to eat too much…
My goal for this year is to be a more well-rounded person. Not literally, although, my arms aren’t sticks anymore. I want to work and write more. I want to be a better coach, friend, brother, and colleague. And I want to have a better relationship with cycling, to love riding my bike again.
I’ll still be racing gravel – jumping into the deep end with Panaracer/Factor p/b Bicycle X-Change – because gravel is fun, safe, and different. I still ride almost every day, so how much has really changed? A lot, actually, but mostly inside my own head.
I’ve been home in Milwaukee for a while now, and once you get used to riding nowhere for three hours a day, it really isn’t that bad. As the snow piles in this week, I’ll be in Georgia, trying to keep up with my teammates at Project Echelon’s training camp. I won’t be racing over the weekend, but I will do everything I can to help out. I love this team and I love our guys. And honestly, I might be even happier watching from the sidelines.